Not since Lady Margaret Beaufort has England seen a woman so sharp, so clever and so focused on her family’s success,.
Carole Middleton, she of coal miners descent, has managed to marry off one kid to a future monarch, and the other to a financier who has not only made a lot of money, but is also very protective of his privacy.
You want to resent Carole, but it’s difficult given that she’s great at keeping quiet and is quick to silence/cut off any family member or friend who gives away too much goss about her brood.
Plus, she gave Catherine the best advice ever when William broke up with her in 2007: Don’t sit at home and cry into a pint of ice cream.
Get a spray tan, hit the nightclubs and show him what he’s missing.
And it worked, damn it.
Carole, a former British Airways flight attendant who married her co-worker, flight dispatcher Michael Middleton, is co-owner of internet party supply company, Party Pieces. She is mother to three children – Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, 34, Pippa, 32 and James, 29 – and grandmother to Their Royals Highnesses Prince George and Princess Charlotte of Cambridge (the heir and the spare to the British throne, if you will).
While Michael’s family made enough to set up a trust for their children to attend private school, Carole’s family was poor; her father, Ronald, was a painter and decorator, while her mother, Dorothy, took odd jobs to work around raising her children.
Dorothy’s mentality was what might have inspired Carole to create the best life possible for her own children, since those who knew Dorothy Goldsmith gave her the nickname, “Lady Dorothy.”
“Ronald was a very quiet man, but he worshipped her. He would do anything she wanted.
“I’ve seen her walk into a newly decorated room and say she didn’t like it and he would strip off the wallpaper and start again. She was never satisfied. She always wanted better.”
In a victory for the common folk, Mother Middleton has managed to ingrain herself into the Cambridge fold to the point where she perhaps as close to Prince William as his own father is (don’t tell Charles. He’ll be crushed).
The Middletons are present at Christmas (a holiday once reserved strictly for royals), and many milestone celebrations, including the 2012 Diamond Jubilee Thames River Pageant, and the 2013 Coronation Festival at Buckingham Palace.
So, it’s safe to say that Carole Middleton wins motherhood. The rest of you should be proud of your efforts, but these days we spell ambition C-A-R-O-L-E.
- “Legs for days, brought to you by me.”
2. “Started from the bottom now we’re here. Phil of Greece picks up what I’m throwing down.”
3. “Isn’t the castle lovely? I can’t wait to run it someday.”
4. “One down, two titles to go.”
5. “You’re sweet. I am too young to be a grandmother to a future king, aren’t I?”
6. “He can have it. My kid’s a Duchess.”
7. “It’s just a break. She’s fine.”
8. “Darling, how do you not have a driver if you’ve been dating him for nearly 5 years? How are we supposed get around town?”
9. “They’re back together. Yes, I made it happen.”
10. “You’re welcome, England.”
11. “Best. Day. Ever.”
12. “Haven’t eaten in days!”
13. “You cameras. Always catching me in my worst moments.”
14. “My grandson was just christened here. We thought the music room back at the palace was a bit too small.”
15. “Yes, this sort of entrance will do just fine.”
16. “I can’t feel my face! What is he saying? It’s all happening!”
17. “Walking into Buckingham Palace. Going to welcome a bunch of foreign dignitaries to my daughters wedding. Everyone have a splendid day.”
18. “Hello. Going home to sleep for a month or so. Lovely to see you all.”
19. “I asked for seats in the royal box and that sh** in the press office hung up on me. Me, Carole Middleton!”
Alex Loudon: “Yep, I have to end this.”
20. “Just a booze cruise round the Thames. Nothing too fancy.”
21. “Welp, managed to get the invite to Christmas because I’M UNSTOPPABLE.”
22. “Rather disappointed I couldn’t make an entrance at the Lindo Wing like I did with Georgie. That was a lark.
“What did Kate have again?”
23. “How dare you make me look up, sir. I haven’t tilted my head that far in ages.”
24. “Hello my gorgeous Georgie. Are you ready for granny’s cake? It’s a replica of Commonwealth realms you’ll one day rule, and no one else is allowed to eat it.”
George: “But I asked for a train cake.”
Long Live Queen Carole!